WAZOUDOM

  Broken After crossing all those bridges Lifting high all our goals Defiant of whatever consequences must be faced You break me. I perhaps am not to be left unpunished Tears and blood stained my failings Unable to be cleansed by guilt, So unwilling to hide amongst secrets, You became my Delphi, an oracle to ask  forgiveness to. Blinded in anger, mistrust and disappointment The only response was an attack. I raised the walls as my only defense While you, knowing or not, razed my soul to the ground. Now I look back at everything: Seeking help I was further humbled For here I was left unable to fend for myself. Inside me the bitter poison of resentment boils And as long as it resides within me I will not heal. Memories, not will, shall be my weapon against all fear Everything I remember, though painful, will cauterize my wounds.  Paranoia!!! making all that is appear like what it’s not.  suddenly friends appear foes  day turns to storms at night  Yet amidst all the craze a thread of anger remains Imagine all I’ve done - or so some say – without awareness… And now I’m awake Shadows between fear and hate that place I live in grow lethal with each passing threat So the only question which remains: Can you survive when intention is there?

Test me , try me
Poison tastes sweet before it kills
Did you plan Did you know
Judging actions what all facts shroud lies.
Scaring me , Searing you
Get rid of this fear and the haunting begins
Make a list of all those memories
and throw them in scattered shreds
to the fire, to the wind, in the earth, in the sea
there they’ll burn and fly and die and sail
but all return to me.
If I go down
Your fall is first.
And when I stop and there’s an end
You’ll never stop until you finally wake.

Rape of feeling, senses, thought
Diligently abused in small
amounts until only scars were left.
Yet perverted thought allows the
idea to remain that still the task is incomplete.
Revenge, a drug to roll on indefinitely,
courses through the veins,
swelling the brain and heart…
Medication cannot provide your cure, and
countless addictions merely aid to
blind eyes and mind already sightless.
Curse the past for having occurred and
curse the future for not bringing
the crazed justice so desired.
And one day, perhaps before it all kills you,
forgive me for having neither patience
nor emotion to care – for you yourself
exhausted its supply before.

Would I admit, given the opportunity,
that you had any effect whatsoever over me?
What is that old saying…”the truth will set you free”…?
Perhaps I’d take a modified version of that.
Acknowledging anything to one engulfed in anger
is so often a waste of time.
Emotion blinds enough in regular situations
and becomes deadly in times of heightened use.
A question of power and control comes into play.
Who has it – you or me?
Better yet, aren’t we better off without it?
Until the worm that eats away your senses
falls asleep or dies
My decision goes unchanged.
Admitting anything to one long dead
is an act I refuse to resort to.

How was I to know
That what they said was true?
Those elegists, long ago buried
Who sang of loss and despair.
Blamed and criticized for going mad
They sat alone outside of mind’s high walls,
Weeping and cursing as old men do
When rationale is finally lost.
But even those in modern day
Hid in darkness, away from the stage.
Why bother understanding one who’s lost their mind?
Insane, delusional,
high on chemicals dripping from their brains.
Take a pill – teach them to zone
Narc’ them up till nothing is left to cry.
Obvious answer?
So I thought…but now.
Now I see those visions too
I feel that wrenching pain
And mourn a loss I never saw before
Soaring above the stars in dreams
Knowing all the while that ground is but inches below
I laugh, I swear, I sob like no other
Caught in the chains of a virus that kills:
Destroys with passion, promising life
Allowing the blind to see
You can’t cure what has no existence
Although it breathes and grows and adapts
Yes – my mind is gone
My body in agony
A heart alone continues to beat
Oblivious to the fire that burns and eats at its soul.

Pointless tears
Self-abandon
Premature loss of something never had
Why bother going through the act?
Why bother making believe…
Not worth the time, not worth my effort
All charades – games but no rules.
Drop the curtain
and pull yourself off the stage
Since no primadonna can ever really survive the change.

Promises…to be kept
Continue to linger in the back of our minds
Spinning and churning with guilty precision
Waiting for the moment when all is fulfilled.
And if by some chances these go overlooked
Stashed away to accumulate dust
We find that ends never truly get reached
So blocked is their path with cloudy deceit.
Instead we continue in endless pursuit
For that which remains to be seen

Keep going… Keep talking
Dreaming, Thinking, Breathing, Loving, Living
Regardless of the pain
Nevermind the hurt
Keep it up
Because there is some reason to it all
There is an Answer
Just as there exists a Prayer
Try harder,
Don’t let go
I’m with you…

And all I want to do
Is find the Quiet
Tell them all to just shut up
No more going
No more talking, dreaming, breathing or loving
Only one direction exists
But too many voices
So much confusion.
I feel – Nothing you say
None of your reassurances or kind words
Can stop that
And now I know that I will continue
Even with you by my side
Because Dying is the one thing
We can all accomplish.

Night in March ! Morning for her
Hell will open in front of me. It ends in time
She learns survival and all I can do is wait
Shadows fall in flight ,all once had is lost
And still I’m between the gates.
Static sounds loud as screams
and your silence only amplifies my fear.
wretched movements close in on death
who are you killing? you or me?
do you even know…? mechanical clicking
driving me insane
no one here to turn to..only I can hear
my mind shuts down
slowly blocking all out
a fleeting thought does taunt me
- pull the fucking trigger –
because then I’ll follow too
at last it doesn’t matter because right now you’ve already won.
the dead don’t mourn  , they never care
they don’t sleep or laugh or cry.
I’m still awake refuse to hear you
refuse to listen to your screams
they won’t touch me you’ll never hurt me
both have now sworn an oath
the contract is in your hands
but the blood will always stain
my broken heart.

Am I a killer – out to destroy life
For the sake of what?
Is it me blocking all the exits
Leaving you no place to escape?
What of you?
You killed me first.
Never had to take my life to do it.
Open your eyes.
Finally aware of all the pain and hurt
perhaps you’ll actually see reality.
It’s not hidden in the shadows,
or spoken of in whispers.
The world is open all around.
Nothing prevents you from accepting.
Only your mind shuts out
what it does not want to know.
I merely pity you.
Nothing more.
I refuse to care about one who can not
choose to live on his own.

Pirated by my own life
My heart lies empty
Neglected beyond recognition
Alone amidst the sounds of nothing
A mind can ponder the endless void without a thought
Of emotion or feeling or truth
But that brain of mine lies ignorant still
Until the day my heart again is filled.

W.Aziz 1994